Sep. 26 2015 Back from Syria

I don't know if there are words to describe Syrians  ?
They are worse than anything I've seen in my life . anywhere else .

I don't know if I can express what I feel in words .. the feeling of loosing it all . everything that made sense or gave meaning to life is replaced by everything that I feared and was disgusted by ..

People changed .. they are replaced by their inner monsters ..
Mum is helpless .. she is 100% dependent on people around her , who turned to monsters .
She is 10% alive .. can eat and smoke and breath . that's about it . everything else has to be done for her.
Can I imagine myself in her situation ? wishing death and not been granted the right or the possibilities to do it? . is there scarier thing in life ?
She want's to die. she has no hope of getting better . and she is very miserable ..

I am Sad, disgusted , scared and angry .. I cannot imagine worse times apart from the days when my sister was dying.

I lost it all .. there is nothing left for me to live for .. once mum is gone .. I will not have anything to connect me to life .

Would I change back to normal ? would I think that the rest of my life worth living ?
Once all your life plans collapse as house of cards. and you are sure you don't have enough time to rebuild anything again  . nothing can help 

Sep. 11/2015 Dad is no more there.

One of the worst feelings I had in my life .
I knew he is about to die , yet it was very hard to hear it.
I should have been there with him for the last few years .. I did my best to make it.
We spent our lives away from one another . that's what life made us do. he did it that we could live and that he will not be dependent on us once he is older.
I did it for the same reason . I didn't want to be dependent on anybody .

Loosing my sister was enough to break all of us ..
He was (after her) the one reason that kept me going.

2011 I went back to spend his last few years with him .. 5 years ago.
I earned my life very fast .. didn't want much .. just enough to live ..
It was him , who mattered the most  . To me, making him proud and happy father was more important than making me happy person. let alone it was way easier

yet I was denied  the right to be with him . Did I ask for much ?
For a year we were father and son .. after 35 years of separation. One year..
it is not my fault that I had to leave .. it is not the fault of anybody .. yet I feel guilty . like hell I do.. it hurts.

with him gone. ..I don't think there is anything left for me .. . I lost everything.

It so empty ..everywhere ..
Death is the end of life .. it cannot be the end of memories .