Week 14 2014 30-3 Exhausted

Cannot say what's this mixture of feelings.
Pissed off . tired .. have no wish to continue whatever I am doing or living now.
Father is back from hospital .. he is doing relatively well .
Mum is the same , that means deteriorating slowly . there is no more hope for her to stand .
My brother is carrying much more than he should .. his wife is determined to get back to Syria .
that's his greatest fear . she is not going to stand my mum . the danger is approaching closing in on our areas.

I am helpless .. cannot do anything to help .. cannot even help myself with  the ex-owner . who turned out  to be an extremely stupid, petty, and maybe she is going to steel my 2000E and never return the money to me .
I never had to deal with anybody who is on her level of  stupidity .. we will see .

lonely was never a problem for me .. I live good alone.
it is different now. I cannot stop thinking about what's going to happen next. cannot sleep enough. I feel so much the same way I felt during the time when my sister was sick.

I went to see gilles apap .. the natural born violinist . but he is really lazy .. sometimes I think he is right in what he does.. how to make music such an official thing .. it has been separated from religion long time ago.

in the concert I had nice conversation
that's how it went.
the old man is looking for place ..
I: Please sir take my place ..
He: no thanks. it is too close to the stage . the violinist is my friend and I don't want to sit where he can see me .. I play violin too.

I:  yes .. I know you play the violin Mr Gitlis ..

Week 13 2014 22/3 Father is sick . and it gets worse

My Father is sick .. he is 86 and has to go through an operation ..
Mum is still the same . doesn't look good for her either . she is handicapped for the rest of her life.
My Brother is not holding on any more .. he is fed up and he has the right to be.
There is nothing that anybody can do .. everything is going downhill and very tragically so.
He told me (don't need to worry .. nobody lives forever) .. which means really : let everybody go to hell.

There is nothing that anybody can do .. it is a country full of idiots , guided by idiots .. ruled by idiots .
I don't know if I can hold on more .. looks like I am unable to stop my worries . hope that will not turn to a depression. nobody wants that in the moment .
I want to scram . cry and break everything around .. I feel like living a nightmare .. yes .. it is a nightmare but for real.

Just informed that a rocket hit next to my apartment. bad news seem to go on and on.

Week 12-2014 15/3 back to reality

Back to Paris 3 weeks ago. new place .. still getting use to it .. managing to organize it slowly .
everything looks fine but I am not.
Looks like I cannot keep the same tempo any more.
Austin was great .. I did have much more than I bargained for .. it was out of ordinary life to an extra ordinary one.
In Paris it looks very boring .. why don't I have a wish to do life any more ?
Don't want go to work .. don't want go even to concerts. I want out ..

Still dealing with some paper work for the new place .. soon it will be over and life will return (a tempo). would that help ?
Mum is going for bad to worse .. nothing is helping .. looks like she gave up on herself . can I do anything to help .. would it be any different if I go there ? for me sure .. but for her ..

2 of my very good friends were diagnosed with cancer .. both younger than me . what is that ? both have kids .. I don't .. it should be me .. why them .

in the moment I cannot say what I'll do next ..
I thought it want last that long .. I"ll not be here for more than a year the longest .. here I am after 18 months. so much for retirement ..
I am so unhappy that nothing matter to me any more.. fuck all that shit ..